Community Cookbook: On April Fools’ Day, a serious food column

By Dick Sellers

Dear readers: The publication of this column around April 1, All Fools’ Day, is purely coincidental. This food column is serious. Had the author intended to write a humorous April Fools’ Day food column, he would have utilized proven culinary pranking methods. These might have included switching salt for sugar or making a pizza without a crust. Or maybe even poking a small hole in the professor’s fancy rehydration bottle to achieve the dribbling drinking glass effect. Now, that would be funny.

Elephant Stew

My family has passed this recipe down for generations. Elephant stew has always been a favorite at family reunions and many other large gatherings.

Ingredients

1 small elephant

60 gallons water

20 pounds potatoes, peeled and quartered

15 pounds onions, peeled and coarsely chopped

12 pounds carrots, coarsely chopped

4 pounds sea salt

2 large dried bay leaves

8 rabbits, dressed and chopped into bite-sized pieces (optional)

Salt and black pepper, to taste

4 bunches flat-leaf parsley, minced, for garnish

Directions

Cut the elephant into bite-sized pieces; this will take about three weeks. Transfer the pieces to a large vat. Add the remaining ingredients, except the rabbits and parsley. Stir well. Cover with a lid and cook over an open fire for four weeks, stirring occasionally and adding water, as needed. If using the optional rabbits, stir them in for the last several days of cooking. Taste when done; add salt and black pepper, if needed. Garnish with parsley and serve hot.

Yield: 200 servings

Note: Add the rabbits only if more servings are needed, since most people don’t like to find hares in their stew.

Professor Roundabout’s Rehydrated Water

The key to rehydrating water is to use Professor Roundabout’s revolutionary new rehydration bottle. It’s simple to use and uses the most up-to-date technology available. All you have to do is add water and stir. When the water level drops to the refill line, replenish the water to the fill line, and you have an unending water supply.

Ingredients

32-ounce Professor Roundabout water rehydration bottle

1 quart water

½ to 1 teaspoon lemon juice (optional)

Additional water, as needed

Directions

Place the rehydration bottle on a flat surface and carefully add water to the fill line. Stir in lemon juice to flavor the water, if preferred. Use at room temperature or refrigerate until chilled. When the water level drops to the refill line, replenish it to the fill line. Repeat, as needed.

Yield: Endless quantity

Note: Other flavor sources, such as Kool-Aid, may be substituted for lemon juice.

Dick Sellers is a freelance writer published in psychology, journalism, religion and cooking. Email address: dickskitchencorner@outlook.com