Healing is required on both sides

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have five adopted children through foster care. We have gone through a lot of tough situations with the children during the last six years, which put a lot of pressure on our marriage, including financially. During that time, my husband lashed out at me frequently. He has said many times that he resents me because of the kids, although he was always in agreement with what we were doing and pursuing.

We’ve gone through four therapists because he always quits when he hears what he doesn’t want to hear. He even got to the point where he would only want to have sex with me without a kiss or hug or anything. Since we’ve begun to turn a corner on the troubles, he has said he is sorry many times and has been really working to get back to his old self and break habits. He’s actually been pretty good.

The problem is, for self-preservation, I shut him off a long time ago, and now I’m struggling to feel any type of emotional or physical connection to him. I hung in there through all the abuse, thinking he would turn it around, but now that he has, I don’t even care. Do I just need to give it more time or is this change in him just too little too late? – Too Late

Dear Too Late: What you need to do is give yourself more time to heal. Be compassionate with your reactions to your husband. You are mad, and it is understandable that you shut him out. Whenever people are enduring any type of abuse, they go into protection mode. Fight, flight or freeze. It sounds like you are still, understandably, in protection mode. The best way to determine if you want to stay in your marriage is to do work on yourself. I would suggest that you seek the help of a trained somatic therapist. It is a type of therapy that helps with people suffering from PTSD. After you work with your therapist, then you can make a better decision about your husband.

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