Dear Kiantha: Co-parenting plan may ease burden for single parent

Dear Kiantha,

I have 2-year-old twins and I am not in a relationship with their father. Being a single parent is stretching me very thin. Their father is in their lives and sees them weekly however, I am often the one left to deal with the day-to-day parenting.

I don’t get a break and between the constant snot and meltdowns. I am overwhelmed and drained. Is it reasonable for me to expect more from him and his family?

Dear Friend,

Having been a single mother over three decades ago, I can remember those days of feeling burdened by the weight of being the primary caretaker for my son. I recall a particular moment when my son was about the age of your children, I found myself sitting on the floor in my son’s bedroom crying uncontrollably because I was wishing for and needing more support from my son’s father who lived out of state.

The frustration made me feel as if I was failing as a mother. The needs of small children are plenty and when you couple that with being a working mom, life can get pretty heavy.

A hard truth for me was that more hard days were ahead. I had to understand that as a single parent there would be many days in which I would be doing the work of two parents alone.

I had to accept that this was my truth and, the more I longed for and waited for his father to be doing more, the angrier I became. Spending time obsessing over the way I thought things should have been kept me from better navigating the reality of my truth.

Two things can be true, the first being that it is absolutely the responsibility of both parents to actively raise children that they bring into this world. It is in the best interest of the children to have access and support from both parents providing both parents are healthy individuals and do not have behaviors that are harmful to the development of the children. Healthy relationship exists for millions of children whose parents are no longer in a relationship.

The second truth is that when there is not a healthy co-parenting relationship, the primary caregiver is the end all be all and that is hard terrain to traverse.

Consider speaking with your children’s father in an earnest attempt to design a co-parenting plan that better supports you and the children. Make your desires and challenges clear. If the children’s father is not willing to do so, the next step may be to reach out to your family and community for support.

Soul to soul,

Kiantha