Dear Annie: Love, loss and longing

Dear Annie: I’ll be married for 25 years this coming June, 30 years together. My husband is great, but he is not interested in sex anymore. He told me, “It’s just not important to me.”

I’m in my mid-40s and am desperate for intimacy and affection. But aside from that, I enjoy my family dynamics. I don’t want to break that up for my own selfish needs. My kids would be sad.

I have talked to my husband about this many many times to no avail. I asked for an open marriage, and he will not commit to that. My question is, do I live the rest of my life without any physical intimacy? Should I ask for a divorce, which I really don’t want? Should I find intimacy elsewhere and hope for the best? I need direction. We already tried therapy and had his testosterone checked. A bit of advice would be appreciated. – Starving Wife

Dear Starving Wife: First and foremost, it’s important to validate your own needs for intimacy and affection. These are fundamental aspects of connection and well-being, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling a loss in your marriage.

I would have your husband investigate this problem further with his doctor; loss of libido could be the symptom of a variety of physical or mental health issues, or it could be the side effect of a medication he is taking. I would also continue with couples counseling – sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find a therapist who is the right fit – to help you two communicate about this sensitive matter.

The prospects of an open relationship or a divorce are both life-altering decisions; it’s important that you communicate openly and rule out any health issues before venturing down either path.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.