Paul Turner: Perhaps ‘Spokane Man’ should find himself a local biker babe

Got an email from longtime reader Terry Martin, who now lives over in Sequim, Washington.

“About a month ago, I noticed the S-R using your term ‘Spokane Man’ in numerous articles,” she wrote. “That got me to wondering when, or if, you would be doing any columns devoted to Spokane Man again. I’ve also noticed ‘Spokane Woman’ being used occasionally. Maybe they should get together for a date or something.”

Thanks for the suggestion, Terry. I took a glance at our electronic archives to see what our old friend was up to last month. And I’m afraid the news is not good.

Here are a few examples which appeared in May.

“A 56-year-old Spokane man is accused of sending sexually explicit text messages to underage teenage girls.”

Oh, yes. There’s more.

“A Spokane man accused of hitting a woman with his truck and leaving her to die in November was arrested again last week on suspicion of driving under the influence.”

You know, sometimes it almost seems like Spokane Man just doesn’t know how to act right.

At least we got to read that his family was “safe on the Big Island,” even with the volcano in Hawaii and all.

But then it was right back to misadventure. As in, “Spokane man held after suspicious fire at Alaska lodge.”

I don’t know, Terry. Would you date this guy? I mean, just consider.

“Police arrested a Spokane man Saturday accused of shooting at his girlfriend several times with a shotgun as she drove away from a home they shared.”

Hey, we’ve all been there. But whatever happened to simply waving goodbye?

But enough about Spokane Man. What about Spokane Woman? What was she up to in the pages of the Swell Paper last month?

For one thing, she was quoted as saying she admired the novels of Spokane’s Jess Walter.

That’s nice, I suppose. When he worked here back in the 20th century, he couldn’t get away with simply making stuff up. Though there were always rumors.

Then we read that Spokane Woman, quite a few years ago, was “preparing to enter a Catholic convent.”

Perhaps she anticipated that someone was going to propose she go on a date with Spokane Man.

So what’s a girl to do? Not this.

“A Spokane woman with a history of theft was arrested Tuesday on multiple counts of identity fraud, possession of stolen property and theft.”

You know, on second thought, maybe Spokane Woman and Spokane Man would be just right for each other.

Is it Spokane or is it a biker movie?

The approach of summer means different things to different people.

For some, it’s all about the quest for a perfect tomato. For others, it conjures memories of watching astonishingly bad biker movies at the drive-in. That’s what I have in mind here.

Here’s your challenge. See if you can spot the fakes among the following ancient movie titles.

1. “Angels Hard as They Come.” 2. “Hell’s Belles.” 3. “The Glory Stompers.” 4. “Ride, Preschooler, Ride!” 5. “Angels Die Hard.” 6. “Werewolves on Wheels.” 7. “Angels at the Lake.” 8. “The Peace Killers.” 9. “Death Pavilion at Expo ’74.” 10. “Wild Rebels.” 11. “The Angry Breed.” 12. “She-Devils on Wheels.” 13. “Hell’s Costco.” 14. “Run, Angel, Run!” 15. “Angel Unchained.” 16. “Yard Sale on Wheels.” 17. “Hell’s Marmots.” 18. “The Harder They Coug.” 19. “Born to Raise Lentils.” 20. “Family Friendly Satanic Ride.”

Because even the real movie titles tend toward the outlandish and you may have been otherwise engaged long ago, here are the correct answers.

The fake titles are 4, 7, 9, 13, 16, 17, 18, 19 and 20.

Feedback

Glenn Winkey had a couple of ideas.

“Even if Tacoma passes us in population, we will still be able to say that Spokane is the largest city ‘between Seattle and Minneapolis’ as Tacoma is directly south and slightly west of Seattle.

“Secondly, if Washington gets an NHL team, they should be called the Columbia (not the Columbians, obviously). And the song should be ‘Roll On, Columbia, Roll On.’ ”

John McTear, Steve Schmidt and others said it should be “Louie Louie.”

Jeffrey Neuberger suggested “Happy Trails to You.”