Carolyn Hax: After friends move away, loneliness moves in

Dear Carolyn: When I left school, I was fortunate to move to a city with all my closest friends. But, as happens, we’ve all moved on to new phases of life, and virtually everyone has moved away.

I love my city, partner and career, but I am having a hard time shaking a heavy sadness over feeling alone. I’m fairly independent and am happy to do things solo, but I’ve always preferred the company of others. Of course my friends haven’t stopped being my friends, but I miss the small day-to-day benefits of having friends nearby – being able to grab an impromptu dinner after a bad day at work, or having someone to talk to about a new musical.

My partner is great, but I struggle with the feeling that my world has become limited to my relationship with him. I’m sure the solution is to make a few new friends, but it’s just so daunting as an adult. Any tips? Are there other solutions? Do I just have to accept that when you grow up, you do become more defined by your nuclear family and less by your friend family? – Lonely

Way to talk yourself out of making friends ever again!

Yes, it’s hard. You have to rally thought, effort and steep personal vulnerability to do the job proximity used to do for you. And, your yield is often quite different – a friend here and there is the more common result than a large and comfortable pack.

But don’t saddle new people with comparisons to what you once had.

So when you start to think it’s not worth it, say out loud to yourself, “My last chance at friendship expired when I was 21.” Completely batnuts, right?

Recreate the proximity of school however your lifestyle allows. The key features then were regular exposure (same dorm, same class, same extracurricular) and common interests. It won’t be exact, but with patience you can reproduce these conditions to get close.