Estranged family nobody’s business

Dear Carolyn:

Me: Mid-50s, reasonably successful and comfortable, with meaningful work and wife (no kids). I’m pretty happy with my life, including its high and low points.

This wasn’t the easiest place to reach: I come from an extremely dysfunctional family (alcoholism, drugs, suicides, general horribleness). Basically, I have no contact with my relatives. It’s my choice, and I’m at peace with it.

The problem is, what do I say when people ask me about my family? Of course, I can just try to change the subject (“They’re fine, how are yours?”), but more often than you would believe, people want details and quiz me. I could just lie and make things up, but that’s not me. I want to shrug and say “I don’t really know,” but that invites more questions and amateur psychoanalysis, tut-tuts, and suggestions about how to fix things.

I’m comfortable with not having some version of the Waltons as my family, but others are not. Any tips?

– At a Loss

Their comfort is not your problem. Truly.

I realize it feels like your problem when you’re being grilled and life-coached by fellow backyard barbecue guests, but thinking of it that way is what leads to the temptation to make stuff up. A happy lie, after all, protects you only by satisfying their need for you to fit into whatever box they hold dear.

If instead you approach their curiosity as not your problem, then you are free to deny them whatever need drives their deep (and rude) dive into your business. Stage 1, deflection: “They’re fine, how are yours?” Stage 2, the smiling brick wall, for those who miss the deflection cue: “I’d rather not talk about my family” or “My family doesn’t interest me. Any thoughts on the weather?” Stage 3 for those who believe their curiosity trumps your comfort? Escape: “If you’ll excuse me, I need to” refresh my drink/make a call/put myself somewhere else.

Because their comfort is not your problem.