Longtime friend inexplicably rude

Dear Annie: I have been friends with “Rhonda” for decades. She has always been a dear friend, but lately, she seems to have no sympathy for anyone. Either that, or she is so angry with me that she has become disrespectful. I don’t know why, and it is having a very negative effect on our relationship.

Recently, I was ill. I did not inform Rhonda, nor was I asking for her assistance. She happened to call asking for a ride to a concert and proceeded to ridicule me for being sick. Then she said I must be sick because I am getting old, which I found neither comforting nor helpful, and rather rude.

Last week, a dear friend died. After the funeral, my husband and I were invited to Rhonda’s home for dinner. I brought along the rather distinguished obituary and order of service, because I thought Rhonda might be interested. Instead, she said my friend’s children were ugly and make too much noise on their balcony, and added a few unkind remarks about my friend’s wife. Aside from all of these remarks being irrelevant and untrue, they were also rude and disrespectful.

Rhonda’s husband, children and grandchildren are close to me. I don’t want to lose this friendship. What would you do in my shoes? – Upset in Montreal

Dear Upset: We would talk to Rhonda and ask whether she is feeling OK and if she has seen her doctor lately. Any change in personality can be from medical causes. You also can express your concern to her husband and children and ask whether they have seen negative changes in Rhonda’s behavior.

Otherwise, good friends are honest, while being compassionate. Tell Rhonda, nicely, that you find her remarks surprisingly unkind and disrespectful. Ask whether there is more going on that is causing her stress or unhappiness. She may have issues that are not connected to you, but which are causing her pain that she is taking out on those closest to her.