Dear Annie: She’s third fiddle to his adult kids

Dear Annie: I have been in a relationship with “Ted” for the past eight years. We each have adult children from previous marriages. Ted has always put his daughters ahead of me and our relationship. When they were younger, I completely understood, but they are adults now, and he still does it.

Ted has to get their permission to spend any time with me. Vacations are completely out of the question. I see him, at best, four times a month, and the girls call and text constantly the entire time we’re together, always about nothing. He has broken our dates and left in the middle of dinner to help them find an earring or a pair of shoes. The oldest recently married, and she and her husband are living in Ted’s basement.

Annie, he put these girls through college. They have degrees and good jobs, and yet they refuse to leave the nest. Ted says he doesn’t know how to fix it. We fight about this often, and he always takes their side. I am frustrated. When we first began dating, Ted asked me to wait until the kids were out of high school and said then we’d get married. Then he asked me to wait until they were finished with college. Now it’s when both are married and on their own. I don’t see them ever letting that happen.

I suggested we attend counseling, but he refused. He is stressed and unhappy, and being around him is difficult because he takes it out on me. I know this relationship is toxic and I should move on, but it is hard to do when you love someone. We get along great when they leave us alone, but that rarely happens, and I am constantly depressed about it. What should I do? – Lost and Alone in Kentucky

Dear Lost: Please understand that Ted is never going to put you first. So what are you willing to put up with in order to remain with him? If you are OK playing third fiddle to those girls and will take marriage off the table permanently, you could have a nice, limited, semi-frustrating relationship with Ted. But if that’s not good enough, leave before you waste any more time.