There’s no levels of love for siblings

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I will welcome our first child together in October. He also has two daughters: a 10-year-old from a past relationship, who visits often but does not live with us; and a 3-year-old from his previous marriage, who is with us half -time. The 10-year-old really likes me, and I feel the same way about her, but for various reasons (mainly ages and amounts of time we spend together), I have bonded more with the toddler.

The 10-year-old is sensitive about this and likes to make comments, sometimes provocative ones, implying I love her younger sister more. Some of these comments are easier to laugh off than others. I sometimes lie awake and worry this is something that will always be an ugly cloud hanging over our relationship.

Now, with a baby on the way, the 10-year-old’s comments have increased. Amid all my excitement about expanding our family, I’m beginning to feel a sense of worry about the consequences it will have for my relationship with the oldest. – Anonymous

There’s no age-group language you learn to speak, for any age. There’s just shared experience.

When she implies favoritism, gently ask for clarification: “You said that like you meant it. Would you like to talk about it?”

If she does trust you, thank her for her honesty. And, be careful not to negate with, “That’s not true!” Instead, say you’re sorry to hear she’s hurting.

Then talk about the problem with comparing loves. Or, ask your way there. She loves her dad, yes? Her sister? Her friend? Then ask – does she line everyone up in her mind in order of most- to least-loved, or does she treat each love as its own? Assure her you don’t compare, you just love who you love for who they are.

And then, separately, figure out what you and she enjoy together, one-on-one. Establish an activity that’s just yours with her, and keep showing up for it, especially after you give birth. That’s your conversation, and her proof.