Annie’s Mailbox: Wife’s temper alienates couple’s friends

Dear Annie: My wife has a good personality and makes friends easily. The problem is, she does not keep them. If someone rubs her wrong, she flares up in anger. If someone disagrees with her, she verbally abuses them. She also gets involved in everyone else’s personal affairs.

When these negative things happen, the friends start backing off. Then my wife complains that we have no friends and it’s my fault because I’m not outgoing enough. But I am friendly and participate in group gatherings without getting involved in conflicts. I make friends and keep them.

This has been going on for 30 years. How can I make her see that she is the one who is driving people away? – Need Help Down South

Dear Need: Your wife is disinclined to blame herself for these things. After all, if she had the capacity for genuine self-examination, she might not be alienating her friends to begin with. You can discuss this honestly, calmly telling your wife that she seems quick to anger and slow to forgive, and perhaps she could learn a different approach, either on her own or through counseling. But if you are unwilling to risk that argument, say neutrally, “Some folks are very sensitive, and I try to be careful about what I say to them and always try to forgive them for things that annoy me. But it’s hard work.” That may give her some ideas about how to treat others, while not assessing blame. It’s your choice. You have to live with her.