Adult stepson strains marriage

Dear Annie: I am having a problem and don’t know what to do. Please do not suggest counseling, because I tried, and my wife won’t even consider it.

We married 17 years ago. Both of us were in our mid-50s. She had two grown children, and I had none. There wasn’t supposed to be any baggage coming into this marriage. However, a few months after our wedding, her son’s wife kicked him out for cheating – with both men and women. For the past 10 years, we have had nothing but problems with this guy. He is a drunken bum, and I suspect he is doing hard drugs now. He has had a few jobs, none for very long. His massive temper gets him fired every time.

We are retired on Social Security and my military pension. For some reason, this 51-year-old guy thinks I should support him. He lives in my travel trailer and draws food stamps. He takes enough odd jobs to pay for his bad habits, but regardless of how much he earns, he is back over here needing money for gas or groceries, and of course, Mommy will not say no. She enables him and makes excuses for everything he does. As a result, we fight continuously.

My stepson is eligible for medical care at the VA. He is HIV-positive and uses that as the reason he is a loser. But when you blow several hundred dollars in three days, there is something wrong. We are at the point of divorce. Any suggestions? – Marriage on the Rocks

Dear Marriage: Some parents believe that enabling their children is a way to help them. It is not. It enfeebles them and makes them dependent. However, unless you can convince your wife of this, the situation will not change. Your choice is to give up or walk away. If you want to see a counselor for help with that decision, your wife does not need to go with you. We also suggest you urge your stepson to take advantage of the counseling and medical services offered through the VA.