To him, marriage equals divorce

Hi, Carolyn: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years (he’s 29, I’m 30). We’ve been talking about moving in together, as well as marriage. I’m a little reluctant to go all-in for living together without a firm commitment to each other.

He also recently revealed that he is terrified of divorce, which I had some suspicion about because his parents split when he was 12.

He told me he has serious commitment issues, which he is just beginning to realize, and that in his mind, “marriage” means “divorce.”

I do want to live with him, but I don’t think of living together as a trial run, I see it as something two people do when they are completely ready to commit to each other. I don’t know what to do. – Not scarred by divorce

You just made a pristine case for pre-marriage prep. Not counseling, but an education tailored to making your choice of life partner an informed one, versus wishfully thought.

Given his exposure to marriage, what would it say about him if he were steadfast in his belief that divorce wouldn’t/couldn’t/ shouldn’t happen to him? Your boyfriend gave both of you a gift with his honesty about his misgivings.

So use it well. If you and he were planning a honeymoon, you’d be researching deals, vaccinations, visas, sights. You can give the marriage idea at least as much thought and research just by exploring the various programs available to couples considering marriage. Secular or religious, quickie seminar or course, group or private – vetting programs can be the first of many exercises in thinking strategically, sharing deeply and functioning jointly.

Too commonly, people see marriage as the objective to achieve (or avoid) when a marriage is only as good as the skills you bring to it. Acquiring those skills will support your vision of commitment, and lessen his fear of his.