Carolyn Hax: Pick, follow your strongest belief

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years. He bought a house in June. Last weekend, he proposed to me, and we are very much in love and plan on getting married next year.

His parents are almost insisting that we live together first. My mother and grandmother believe that would be an abomination and our marriage would not have God’s blessing.

I am 24 and I have been paying my own bills since I was 18.

I would love to move in with my fiance. I really don’t think this would be wrong or a sin. He wants me to move in with him so we know what we are getting ourselves into. But he knows I would be miserable because my mother and grandmother would be disappointed in me.

I just really don’t want to disappoint either side, and I really want my grandmother and mother to be happy and proud of me. – Stuck in the Middle

The simplest answer is that if you’d be miserable, then don’t move in with your fiance.

The simplistic answer is that you need to be able to stand up for what you believe and accept consequences – even (especially?) if it means standing up to Mommy – or you’re not mature enough to be married.

That answer is inadequate here because you are proudly independent, believe cohabitation isn’t wrong, and clearly believe in showing respect for the authority of your elders. So, you move in and offend or live apart and cave. Translation: No matter where you choose to live, you will go against your own beliefs.

I could argue for a belief that tops them all: in collaborating with your future husband. This isn’t the only right answer, but you do need to be able to discuss and accommodate each other’s beliefs, or … you’re not mature enough to be married.