Carolyn Hax: She makes case for frank talk

While I’m away, I’m letting you give the advice. The following are readers’ opinions on issues they’ve seen in the column:

On why some wives avoid sex with their husbands:

My first husband and I had sex every night at exactly 9 p.m., for exactly two minutes (after a couple of years, I timed it by watching the clock the entire time). I did not have any experience with sex or know anything, but this seemed extremely quick to me. This was in the old days when the common thought was that women did not have orgasms, and I did not know what was wrong. I only knew that I felt extremely frustrated, which became more physically painful over the years.

When I told my husband, he got very defensive and claimed that I was spoiled. He had no interest in our learning to have sex with each other.

During marriage plans, I overheard several of my fiance’s aunts talking about how they withheld sex from their husbands until they bought them a new fur coat, washer, dryer, stove, whatever it was they wanted.

This was in the old days, when these women were housewives and had no money except what their husbands gave them. I thought this was terrible, for people to sell sex to their spouses. I still do, but I doubt it would have happened if their husbands had cared about their sexual needs. I never turned down my husband, I just suffered the excruciating pain until I got a divorce, because, and only because, sex was horrible.

I know women know a lot more about sex now than they did in the old days, but knowing intellectually is not the same as knowing. And women are still reluctant to tell a man he is not pleasing her, and men still do not want to know that it is not just natural, that they are not just born to please women. – Anonymous

There are many reasons married couples stop having sex – I’ve heard from plenty of wives whose husbands won’t touch them – but this is an achingly well-made case for at least talking about it. And that includes not just a willingness to say what you don’t want to say, but also a willingness to hear what you don’t want to hear.

On advice:

If I don’t ask for advice from you, I DON’T NEED IT NOR REQUIRE IT. Thank you. – Newly Pregnant and Can’t Take Any More Unsolicited Advice

Relax. Stress is bad for the baby.