Shrine of her ex a sign of things unsettled
Carolyn: About a year ago I began a relationship that has really taken off. I’m mid-40s, she’s mid-30s. After a few months, the pictures displayed in her apartment of her with her ex started getting on my nerves. I understood these photos represented something in her life that brought her happiness, so I let it go. But finally I said it’d be nice if we could replace some with pictures of us, or anything besides what was there. She seemed agreeable, but the pics remained. She said she was trying to print some of us that would fit the frames. Fine, but it took several months. The pics finally came down, but now she’s got scrapbooks full of ex-boyfriend memorabilia all over the house we now share. Cards, letters, photos, etc. I know we all have pasts; I’ve let mine go and would like to focus on the future. Am I off base for wanting the same from her? – K.H.
No.
This is based less on her flagrant mementos than on your flagrant reasonableness. You’re not asking her to expunge Ex from memory, or prove he meant nothing to her, or otherwise compensate you for your own jealousy – you just want Ex out of your face. Right? (I’m assuming you’ve told me everything; unfortunately, people who roll their eyes, drop hints, stomp around, sigh audibly and make sarcastic asides while officially being reasonable rarely report themselves.) For being accepting of her past, mild with your requests and patient with her response, she should humor you just out of thanks.
Out of respect for your feelings, too, obviously – but she blew that chance when she didn’t mothball the ex the very first time you spoke up.
People often stop “seeing” their own walls, and therefore don’t notice they’ve become a shrine. But in that case, the moment someone points it out, the shrine goes into a box at the back of a closet.
Her reluctance suggests a shrine by choice, not inertia, and that’s where my answer changes: You are off-base, for still hoping she’ll stow her past after nine months of stalling.
She wants this stuff around. Why? Ask her – with the same patience you seem to have managed so well so far.
I think you also need to ask yourself, based on a year’s worth of words, deeds and impressions, whether Ex is really still in her heart, or just cluttering up the house. And then you need to ask if you can live with either one.
Dear Carolyn: My father-in-law came over to drop something off at our house while we were away. I wasn’t aware he had a key. I had all my tax and financial documents out on the table. They were shuffled around. It is obvious he went through them. I feel my privacy has been violated. My husband tells me to get over it. Do I drop this issue or say something to him? – S.
Drop it. It may be “obvious,” but you still don’t know he snooped. One of you could have rustled the papers inadvertently. Or a draft, or elves.
But don’t drop the in-law boundaries issue. You and your husband obviously don’t agree on who is allowed where, and when. Discuss till you do. “Get over it” doesn’t fly.