Grandma’s Negativity Unhealthy
Q. My grandmother is planning to visit soon and I need help with her treatment of kids. She has a tendency to say negative things. Jokingly she will call the kids “brats.” If she is correcting children, she’ll even go so far as to tell them they are ugly or hateful. My daughters are 3 and 4 four years old. Also, my grandmother makes the girls kiss her whenever they ask her for something. I think kids shouldn’t have to kiss someone for things they need or want, especially if they don’t want to. I want to promote healthy self-esteem in my children, so I need help in knowing what to say to her. How do I correct this?
A. No one, including grandparents, should label kids as ugly or hateful.
Young kids are unable to distinguish between joking and fact, and, in either case, they are not helped by unkind words.
A study from Johns Hopkins University reports that kids as young as 8 months are able to remember words - good and bad. Very young kids are also able to interpret the attitude that goes with the words. They know when they’re being put down or teased.
Members of the family should make a special effort to support kids in feeling positive about themselves. Negative names or derogatory nicknames should never be used even teasingly, because they do affect kids’ self-esteem.
Tell your grandmother, “Grandmother, labeling kids with bad names and hurtful words is not allowed in our family. We do not use unkind words with the kids.”
Tell her, “If the kids bother you in any way, please let me know. I have a system of correcting their behavior that is different than yours, and I want to do it my way.”
Your grandmother might be upset, however, your task is to decide that protecting your kids is more important than pleasing her. She is showing a streak of meanness that is not becoming to someone who truly loves her family.
Making kids kiss her in order to receive a treat or favor violates their self-respect. Kisses and tokens of affection should be given only at the discretion of the giver and not in response to demand.
Being a mother forces you to evaluate your priorities. You need to stand up for what you believe, even if that causes a relative to be displeased.
Q. Do you have any suggestions about how to respond to kids who say they are bored and don’t know what to do? I have three children, from preschool to second grade, who ask me all the time what they can do. Regardless of what I suggest, I never come up with an idea they like. Sometimes I suggest tasks I know they don’t like in order to discourage their asking. This doesn’t work either. I tell them they can always clean the toy drawer. Now, my 3 year old says, “I know I can clean the toy drawer, but what else can I do?” If I tell them not to ask me, they may go away, but the next day they’ll ask me again. Any suggestions?
A. Pick a time when you feel creative and inspired, and invite the kids to make a list of every fun activity they can think of. Reward each one who contributes to the list of interesting things to do.
Post the list in an easy to see spot. Have the older ones draw pictures of the activities for the non-readers, so any age child can read the list. Add to the list any time the kids want to earn a reward.
You might also put each suggestion on a slip of paper and keep them in a big bowl. Then when they ask what to do, you can tell them to pull a suggestion from the “bowl of fun.”
One mother reports that if she asks her kids to clean their rooms, she knows they’ll find some enjoyable activity to distract them from work. This is another possible solution.
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Cathleen Brown The Spokesman-Review