Mind Over Manners Authors Direct Etiquette Advice To African Americans Who Sometimes Face Racially Charged Social Situations

They arrive in the hotel lobby looking like a walking advertisement for their new etiquette book, “Basic Black: Home Training for Modern Times.”

Simply dressed, wearing a minimum amount of jewelry, a hint of lipstick and mascara, the two Karens, as they are known, are perfect examples of the etiquette rules they present in Chapter 4 of “Best Foot Forward.”

But putting your best foot forward is only part of what “Basic Black” is about. Authors Karen Grigsby Bates and Karen Elyse Hudson are the first to write a comprehensive guide to etiquette for African Americans. They tell you things Miss Manners and Emily Post can’t or won’t:

You are black and pulled over by the police? Stay in the car. Don’t reach for anything without telling the officer first. Don’t argue. Defend yourself later in traffic court.

You get the bad table in a restaurant? You can guess why. Don’t get mad, get insistent: “I’m sorry; this isn’t acceptable.”

Miraculously, your skin tone has made you invisible to passing cab drivers? Take the license plate and medallion number, file a complaint with the taxi commission.

On hired help: “Historically speaking, we’ve spent generations working for Miss Anne. Now that some of us are in the position to afford household help, it is incumbent upon us not to repeat Miss Anne’s mistakes.”

Clearly, “Basic Black” is not your average etiquette book. As Bates says, the whole issue of race and how it affects social interaction is a “critical” theme. “There are more important things than which fork to use.”

The bulk of the 473-page guide is basic etiquette tips most people would consider common sense, from not calling gay people derogatory names or answering the telephone with “what’s up” to knowing when to send a thank-you note or how much to tip.

The authors explore black traditions, such as cotillions and religious ceremonies like full-immersion baptisms. They also get into cultural issues, discussing, for instance, problems that might crop up at work, which they irreverently refer to as “plantation life.”

They give advice about how to handle discussions regarding race at work (“unless you are comfortable with ignoring it, you should always point out that racist humor is unacceptable”). They offer guidance on those insulting, accusatory questions about affirmative action that stem from “you’re just here because you’re black” assumptions.

And how do you deal with the culturally clueless, especially when you are what the authors call FN/2 (“First Negro to …”)? It depends on the spirit of the question.

“People who’ve never been exposed to black folks or our culture may have no inkling that we come in all colors, have all hair textures, and that these differences can exist within one nuclear family, making us our very own mini-Rainbow Coalition. Our preference is to do the culturally uninitiated a favor by straightening them out - gently - and relieving them of their stereotypical baggage.”

You don’t have to lose your temper or your job to hang onto your dignity, the authors say.

The inevitable gut reaction of some blacks to an etiquette book for them may be, “Why? Don’t we know how to act?”

Hudson and Bates respond by saying they have not written their book because they think black people don’t already know these things. It is for those who want to learn more and for a younger generation without the benefit of parents who instilled these values.

“The idea is for you to come across in your best possible way,” said Hudson. “We’re trying to give them the resources to live the most comfortable life they can. … We care about our community. So we offer a reference for our community.”

Many manners learned at the dinner tables of the distantpast have been lost as the structure of the family has changed and as the country as a whole has lowered the standards of acceptable behavior, the authors contend.

“We’re sort of the integration babies,” says Bates. “Our parents had lived to a certain degree with the restrictions of a largely segregated life, but they were paving the road for us.