The Fickle Phoner With All The Romancing Phone Companies Are Doing, It Is Hard To Resist A Promiscuous Romp Through The Long-Distance Gutter

Now that passions have cooled and the whole sordid affair is a thing of the past, I can look back and see that I was weak. Who knew that with a little enticement, I would throw away years of faithfulness and embark on a months-long debauch with one suitor after another?

I refer, of course, to my long-distance telephone service.

In my defense, I had held firm for years in the face of the telemarketing onslaught that afflicts the nation at dinnertime. My mother warned me about telemarketers.

But then came a calling card enclosed in my credit card bill. Dangled before me was this handsome bait: $10 worth of free long-distance calls from something called Minutes and Miles, plus the valuable opportunity to charge more minutes on my credit card and accrue frequent flier points.

At first, I demurred. I was happy with my longtime steady, AT&T. And yet … it wouldn’t be like I was really straying. I could stay with AT&T and use those free minutes on my next vacation. AT&T would never know.

So I did. It was a short-lived romance, ending with a spat with a customer service representative when I lost the card and found that I couldn’t use the minutes I had already paid for without the number on the card.

But the fault line in my fidelity was opened. When I got a call from MCI, I switched again.

Word must have gotten around; a girl gets a reputation.

MCI was followed by Touch 1, which promised to match the lowest price of AT&T, MCI or Sprint.

By this time, I was a fallen woman, ready to switch to whomever I talked to last - a long-distance strumpet, a fiber-optic trollop.

I switched again.

Touch 1 was attentive. They called later to counsel me on how to dump my previous beau.

“Just tell them you decided to make a change,” a telemarketer advised.

Still, I was unprepared for the onslaught - this time from AT&T.

At first I brushed off the calls and letters. But I was wavering. Because in the meantime, a phone bill had revealed that Touch 1 charged me nearly twice as much as MCI for a call from Chicago to Philadelphia.

Betrayed! What happened to all those sugary promises? I called Touch 1 and was told that the company matched competitors’ lowest basic rates, but before the ubiquitous discounts.

When AT&T called yet again, I recounted my sad tale. My suitor was sympathetic, eager. “I’ll give you better than that,” he vowed.

I said I wanted to think about it. Frankly, the whole affair had made me feel cheap. As they say, we knew what I was; we were just haggling over the price.

But he talked faster and faster, and I thought as well him as another and yes he asked me again would I say yes and yes I said yes I will Yes.

But no. We have two phone lines, and his computer had called me on the one my husband, so hopelessly confused by the mounting pile of calling cards, had forbidden me from using for my cheap pleasures. Having called on the other line, my suitor could not switch service on my floozy line.

“Awwwww!” he groaned, his hopes dashed.

And so I slunk back to AT&T. But Touch 1 was not to be blown off so easily. A few days later, a representative called and revealed that I had been misinformed. Touch 1 does offer discounts; they do not show up on a bill until the following month.

She was sweet, regretful, hopeful of a rapprochement.

But it is over, my promiscuous romp through the long-distance gutter. I still don’t know which company offers the best rates. I went with AT&T because it gave me $50.

I feel somewhat ashamed, though not so ashamed that I still wasn’t peeved to discover that AT&T had given a friend $75.

But not too ashamed to cash the check.