How Do You Rate On The Turkey Index?

OK, so your family isn’t quite so screwed up as the dysfunctional psychopaths portrayed in that heartwarming new Thanksgiving movie, “Home for the Holidays.”

But just how normal are you, really? The results of a recent survey by the Honeysuckle turkey people may offer a few clues:

Most of those polled (52 percent) said they ate Thanksgiving dinner in a group of six to 15 people. Only 2 percent eat alone - the same number as share a table with at least 30 others.

While the vast majority (70 percent) eat only one Thanksgiving dinner, 23 percent down two, 6 percent gobble three and 1 percent (by volume, not weight) fit in four.

Women are most likely to cook the turkey (91 percent), while men are most apt to carve it (72 percent) - badly (56 percent).

A full 15 percent of poll respondents had no idea what happened to the neck and giblets. And would probably just as soon keep it that way.

Bird brains

True tales from the turkey trenches, as told by Butterball Turkey Talk-Line experts:

“A new bride who had a small, apartment-size range was worried the turkey would get larger as it cooked - similar to a loaf of bread rising - and she would be unable to get it out of the oven.”

“A man asked me if the turkey would cook faster if he put a railroad spike through it - ‘like putting potatoes on that nail device on the grill.”’

“We get lots of calls asking, ‘How much turkey should I buy for X amount of people?’ But I was a bit taken aback by one caller who asked, ‘How much turkey should I buy for five Great Danes?”’

Cheap thrills

So you’re the kind of accomplished coupon clipper who got the final food bill for your Thanksgiving dinner down to $9.72? The Great American Coupon Celebration Contest is waiting for you.

Just write an essay of 50 words or less (humorous or serious) about how coupons work for you and send it, along with a grocery recipt showing a coupon was used and a 3- by 5-inch card with your name, age, address, phone number and name of the store where you shopped, to: The Great American Coupon Celebration Contest, P.O. Box 51037, Livonia, MI 48151.

Celebrate, celibate?

Finally, this word of warning from the anti-meat Farm Animal Reform Movement: “Commercial turkeys are too fat to reproduce naturally. It could happen to you.”

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Drawing