Second Timers More And More Grandparents Are Becoming Primary Care Givers For Their Grandchildren

Rachel Humphrey (not her real name) and her husband had raised their children and were enjoying their 50s. She had gone back to college and the two of them had begun new activities together.

“We were doing things for ourselves,” Humphrey recalls.

Then the Spokane couple’s lifestyle changed drastically. They are now raising their daughter’s two children, both diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity.

“Their mother left them with us and didn’t pick them up for a period of time. Her visits became less and less frequent. Eventually she had other things to do, so we kept them,” says Rachel Humphrey.

“I had to give up my job because the kids demand so much time at home.”

The Humphreys are not alone. An estimated 3.2 million children live with grandparents or other relatives, and in over one-third of these households the grandparent assumes the role of primary caregiver since neither parent is present.

This trend has increased by 40 percent over the last decade, according to the Census Bureau, and continues to grow, representing all socioeconomic levels and ethnic groups.

The relationship between a grandparent and grandchild is often special; however, undertaking fulltime child care means major changes for grandparents and may cause extreme stress for all involved.

The stress often comes because of the circumstances surrounding the parents’ inability to care for their children: teen pregnancy, substance abuse, divorce, child abuse, AIDS, incarceration or joblessness.

When grandparents assume child care, they often face legal and social problems. They may lack adequate housing, financial resources or medical coverage. They often lack the energy necessary to run after small children. And they usually find themselves in a caregiving position not easily understood by the community.

When the Humphreys became parents to their grandchildren, their social life changed considerably.

“We found we knew no one in our same situation,” recalls Rachel Humphrey. “The friends we used to have wanted us to be spontaneous. We couldn’t because we had to find a baby sitter which they had difficulty understanding.”

Since then, she’s found fellowship in The Second Timers, an ongoing support group for grandparents raising grandchildren in the Inland Northwest.

The group provides friendship and empathy, as well as pertinent information, says Karen Liquori, founder of The Second Timers.

Talking to others “keeps you on track,” she says. “You also find out that a lot of problems you have are identical to others’.”

The grandparents in her group have faced many lifestyle changes, including giving up education, jobs or enjoyable activities just when they’re adjusting to their new freedom and independence. “For some, they’re still taking care of their own parents,” says Liquori.

The American Association for Retired Persons offers several suggestions to grandparents who face the prospect of caring full time for grandchildren:

Prepare yourselves and your family as much as possible for the challenges ahead.

Take care of your health, since it is critical to the health and wellbeing of your grandchildren.

Get help. Find support through newsletters and support groups.

Learn how to work with the public school system, child welfare system and the legal system. Be aware that most are not set up to recognize grandparents raising their grandchildren, so insist that those in authority listen to you and your needs.

And Rachel Humphrey offers this advice: “You need to be the parent who disciplines them and teaches them to be responsible. But you still have to be the extra-loving, extragiving person that a grandparent is. It’s hard to do both.”

Humphrey finds she is a more flexible parent the second time around. “Even though it is more stressful now, I have ideas about raising children that I didn’t have the first time. I have experienced things before that help me to handle things better now.”

Despite the challenges, Humphrey remains optimistic. She recognizes that grandparents have the unique opportunity to give their grandchildren cumulated years of parenting experience, a seasoned perspective on life and loads of grandparenting love.

Here are some resources for grandparents raising children:

Local support: The Second Timers sponsors workshops, dispenses information and provides friendship. For more information, call Karen Liquori at (509) 276-6079.

Free seminar: Child therapist Carol Thomas will speak on “The Grieving Process for Children at the Loss of a Parent” on Jan. 26 from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. at Holy Family Hospital. The free seminar, sponsored by The Second Timers, is open to the public and will be in the Aquinas room of the hospital.

Newsletter: The Grandparents Journal tracks information pertaining to grandparenting. It’s published four times a year by editor Elinor Nuxoll. Those interested in a sample copy may send $2 to The Grandparents Journal, E1419 Marietta Ave., Spokane, WA 99207.

Grandparents hotline: AARP operates a Grandparent Information Center which provides resources and referrals for grandparents who find themselves as primary caregivers to grandchildren. Call (202) 434-2296, weekdays 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. EST.

Guidebook: A “Legal Guide For Grandparents” has been developed by the Northwest Women’s Law Center. For a copy, call (206) 682-9552.

Looking ahead: A statewide grandparenting workshop will be held May 16 from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. at Central Washington University in Ellensburg. Registration is $10, which includes lunch. For more information, call Edith Owen (206) 591-6427.